


Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son: A Parody

by bironic



Category: Frankenstein - Dean Koontz
Genre: Book Review, Gen, Horror, Humor, Movies in 15 Minutes, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-02-25
Updated: 2006-02-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 09:24:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bironic/pseuds/bironic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>VICTOR: I have insatiable and deviant sexual appetites. Fortunately I've got this custom-made wife to satisfy me. I even programmed her to feel shame because it excites me.<br/>ERIKA IV: *doesn't satisfy or excite*<br/>VICTOR: Right. I'm off to sulk in my Evil Lab.</p><p>A summary-parody in the tradition of Movies in 15 Minutes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son: A Parody

**Author's Note:**

> For background - my [book review](http://bironic.livejournal.com/23045.html#cutid1), of sorts.

** _Dean Koontz's Frankenstein: Prodigal Son_ **

_A Monastery Somewhere in Tibet_  
DEUCALION: I am a monster who has become a man. My life is pain but I'm okay with that. Om.  
MOUNTAINEER/POSTMAN: Message for you, sir!  
DEUCALION: Dammit, Frankenstein's still alive. Guess I'll have to ditch the meditation in favor of murder. And I was beginning to like it up here. Oh well. At least in the real world I'll be able to eat Cheez-Its.  
MONK: Let me give you a farewell tattoo to cover your hideous facial disfigurement.  
DEUCALION: Thank you, this will make me much less conspicuous.

_Meanwhile in Nawlins_  
CARSON: *kicks ass*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*  
CARSON &amp; MICHAEL: We are the city's youngest ever homicide cops and everyone hates us. Not-so-secretly we love each other. Hey look, a handless dead body in the reservoir.  
HANDLESS DEAD BODY: *floats*  
CARSON: Betcha this has something to do with the parts-chopping serial killer we're investigating.

_A park_  
ROY: I am a zany health nut so obsessed with caring for my body that I have begun to age backwards. I seek perfection, like an impossible number of other characters in this book. Also, I like to kill women and collect their body parts so I can construct my Perfect Mate. Hello, fat and self-conscious cotton candy vendor. Want to go on a date?  
COTTON CANDY CANDICE: Um, okay.

_The O'CONNOR house_  
CARSON: How's my favorite kid brother?  
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*  
CARSON: Right.

_Institution_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *does crosswords*

_The waterfront_  
COTTON CANDY CANDICE: You're a wonderful man.  
ROY: *stabby stabby*  
ROY: Pair of eyes, check.

_A different crime scene_  
CARSON: Dead body number six, male, sucking chest wound.  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*  
HARKER: My name is Jonathan Harker and thus you can see that I am an example of Subtle Allusion in this story. I'm a cop. For fun I enjoy taunting Carson &amp; Michael, accompanying my secret friend the murder victim to strangers' funerals, and looking for the Secret to Happiness by removing other people's internal organs. Also I'm not really a cop, I'm a Frankenstein monster created to infiltrate the system in preparation for world domination.

_Evil Lab_  
VICTOR: I seek perfection, I am a Creator and a Destroyer, I am so far beyond today's scientists it isn't even funny, I would be God except there is no such thing.  
KARLOFF: Rahrr, I am a disembodied head in a tank.  
VICTOR: Move your thumb, cleverly-named abomination!  
DISEMBODIED HAND ON A TABLE: *twitches*  
VICTOR: Eeeeexcellent.

_Defunct movie theater_  
DEUCALION: Sup.  
FAT GUY: I used to be a sideshow freak.  
DEUCALION: Me too.  
FAT GUY: Awesome! You can move in. Just don't touch the equipment. I mean the theater equipment. What was your sideshow name?  
DEUCALION: They called me... "_THE MONSTER_."  
READERS: *gasp* No!

_Somewhere in Nawlins_  
CARSON: *investigates*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection!  
ERIKA IV: "Hope is a thing with feathers."  
VICTOR: Why the hell did I let her read Dickinson?

_The O'CONNOR house_  
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*

_Institution_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *does crosswords*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
ERIKA IV: *picks out dinner party clothes*  
UNSEEN SKITTERING CREATURE: Oogly-boogly.  
ERIKA IV: Hm.

_The morgue_  
SARDONIC AUTOPSY GUY: Dude, VICTIM #6 is a total mutant! It's like nothing in nature!  
CARSON: Weird.  
HARKER: *gives a complete psychological profile of the victim*  
CARSON: *blinks*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection! God complex! Arrogance!  
ENSEMBLE OF IMPORTANT GUESTS: *bow and scrape*

_Institution_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *pauses from doing crosswords* I've got it! I shall overcome my debilitating autism and traverse the city for the sole purpose of finding AUTISTIC ARNIE and learning the Secret to Happiness which he is hoarding, the little bastard.

_Somewhere else in Nawlins_  
CARSON: *investigates*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
VICTOR: I have insatiable and deviant sexual appetites. Fortunately I've got this custom-made wife to satisfy me. I even programmed her to feel shame because it excites me.  
ERIKA IV: *doesn't satisfy or excite*  
VICTOR: Right. I'm off to sulk in my Evil Lab.

_VICTIM #6's apartment_  
CARSON: I don't believe in the supernatural.  
DEUCALION: I'm a 200-year-old Frankenstein monster.  
CARSON: Wow, really?

_ROY's place_  
ROY: La la la, perfection. *puts eyes in Body Parts Fridge*  
BODY PARTS FRIDGE: Surprise! I have three Tupperwares full of organs you didn't put in here.  
SECOND FRIDGE: Surprise! It's COTTON CANDY CANDICE's corpse that you dumped in the river.  
ROY: The obvious answer is I have blackouts and am my own copycat killer.

_Evil Lab_  
PHONE: *rings*  
VICTOR: Yo.  
~~HARKER~~ DISGUISED VOICE: Father, I'm afraid. I'm Changing. I've killed people.  
VICTOR: Come to me.  
~~HARKER~~ DISGUISED VOICE: You've got to be kidding. *hangs up*

_A dark alley_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
UNSEEN SKITTERING CREATURE: Oogly-boogly.  
ERIKA IV: Hm.

_Elsewhere in Nawlins_  
CARSON: *investigates*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_A church_  
PATRICK: I am another of VICTOR's infiltrating monster guys and I am having a Crisis of Faith. This is ironic because I am a priest.  
VICTOR: One of my Children has gone crazy. Find him and bring him to me dead or alive. 'K?  
PATRICK: Um. 'K.  
VICTOR: God be with you. Ha ha ha ha ha.  
PATRICK: Funny, sir.

_Defunct movie theater_  
CARSON: You're a 200-year-old Frankenstein monster and you work the snack counter at a defunct movie theater?  
DEUCALION: [Cryptic clues.]  
CARSON: Okay, you can be our third partner. Gimme a chocolate bar.

_Institute_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
ERIKA IV: *steps out of the shower*  
SCALPEL ON BATHMAT: *gleams*  
ERIKA IV: Hm.

_ROY's place_  
ROY: La la la, perfection.  
HARKER: *appears in his kitchen*  
ROY: WTF?  
HARKER: *breaks his spine*  
ROY: Wah.  
HARKER: Be quiet while I frame you for both our murder sprees, write a suicide note that will lead CARSON straight back to me, and drop you off the roof.  
ROY: AAAH *squish*

_VICTIM #6's apartment_  
CARSON: So, what d'you think?  
DEUCALION: [more cryptic clues]

_Chez Frankenstein_  
FLATSCREEN TV: Oogly-boogly. KILL VICTOR.  
ERIKA IV: Can't, it's against the rules.  
FLATSCREEN TV: Dammit.

_A dark alley_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

_ROY's place_  
POLICE DEPARTMENT: Case closed.  
SUICIDE NOTE: *leads CARSON straight back to HARKER*

_HARKER's apartment building_  
HARKER: Hiya, perpetually cheerful neighbor!  
JENNA: Hiya, kind and lonely neighbor who's about to go psycho on me!  
HARKER: What d'you say you take a big whiff of this chloroform and let me strap you to the lab table in my bedroom before I poke around your innards in my search for the Secret to Happiness?  
JENNA: Okay!  
HARKER: P.S. I'm preggers!  
EVIL MUTANT FETUS: *Wriggles*  
JENNA: WTF?  
MARY SHELLEY: At least Koontz kept one of my themes in.

_Chez Frankenstein_  
DISEMBODIED HAND: Oogly-boogly. Follow me.  
ERIKA IV: Okay.

_Evil Lab_  
KARLOFF: If you can't kill VICTOR, at least kill me.  
ERIKA IV: *flips switches*  
KARLOFF &amp; HAND: *die*  
ERIKA IV: *frames HAND for the euthanization*

_HARKER's apartment building_  
CARSON: *kicks ass*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*  
HARKER: *gets away*  
JENNA: That was weird.

_A dark alley_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

_Defunct movie theater_  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*  
DEUCALION: Poor little human using humor to cover his fear.  
MICHAEL: .  
CARSON: Awesome. Come help us get HARKER.

_Evil Lab_  
VICTOR: *watches security tape of ERIKA killing KARLOFF*  
READERS: Ha ha ha uh-oh.

_The church from before_  
HARKER: Woe is me, I can't find the Secret to Happiness without killing people.  
PATRICK: Woe is me, I can't find the Meaning of Life without believing in God.  
HARKER: BTW I'm preggers!  
EVIL MUTANT FETUS: *Wriggles*  
PATRICK: WTF?  
DOORBELL: *rings*  
HARKER: *runs away*  
PATRICK: Hey, Pops.  
VICTOR: Find the defector yet?  
PATRICK: Nope.  
VICTOR: Right.  
PATRICK: God be with you.  
VICTOR: Only funny when I say it.

_HARKER's apartment_  
SECRET ROOM WALLPAPER: World deities! Nazis! Freud and Jung! Satan!  
CARSON: So, what d'you think?  
DEUCALION: [somewhat less cryptic clues]  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_A dark alley_  
AUTISTIC RANDALL VI: *is two steps closer to O'CONNOR house*

_Chez Frankenstein_  
VICTOR: *throws ERIKA around*  
ERIKA IV: I forgive you for what you're about to do--  
VICTOR: WTFhowdareyou.  
ERIKA IV: --but I don't forgive you for having made me.  
VICTOR: *strangle strangle*  
ERIKA V: Time to be born.

_Darkening streets of Nawlins_  
HARKER: *runs*  
CARSON &amp; MICHAEL: *run after him*  
DEUCALION: *takes his sweet time*

_Huge empty warehouse_  
CARSON: *kicks ass*  
HARKER: *comes at MICHAEL with EVIL MUTANT BABY clinging to his chest*  
MICHAEL: OMGWTF  
HARKER: *goes to toss MICHAEL off the roof*  
CARSON: *shoots him*  
HARKER: *comes at CARSON with EVIL MUTANT BABY clinging to his chest*  
CARSON: OMGWTF  
DEUCALION: *throws HARKER off the roof*  
HARKER: *dies*  
EVIL MUTANT BABY: *escapes into the sewers*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

_Under O'CONNOR house_  
RANDALL VI: *lies in wait*

_Evil Lab_  
ERIKA V: *is born in a tank*  
VICTOR: Perfection perfection perfection!  
ERIKA V: You better believe it, baby.

_O'CONNOR house_  
DEUCALION: Join forces with me to kill VICTOR.  
CARSON: 'K.  
AUTISTIC ARNIE: *builds Lego castles*  
MICHAEL: *wisecracks*

BOOK: *ends*


End file.
